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Some time ago I broke down and cried a lot. And a friend told me I should just let it out somewhere.
I have a major problem with talking about myself and my feelings, so I decided to make a post since probably no one is gonna read it.
But maybe it'll make me feel better? I don't know...

I'm not letting people get close to me now but it wasn't always like that. I used to have a really good friend, like the best-best friend, but shit happened and she started ignoring me before we went to high school. I always gave her another chance, but I realized that friendship isn't about only one person giving. I still tried to be in touch with her even when we went to different high schools and our houses are like across the street, so I really did hope we could be friends even after choosing different high schools. But yup, she ignored me. And then she did a horrible thing on the day of my 18th birthday which made me give up completely.

When I started high school I made friends too, but that was when I started closing myself a little. But still I made a friend which I hoped I could talk about everything. But somehow I guess I must be unlucky  because the same thing happened. Graduated from high school, went to different Universities, different cities... I still tried to keep in touch... but I see that I'm just unlucky when it comes to friendships.
We didn't argue or anything, but when we met last year I realized that she has changed so much that I can't keep a decent conversation with her.

Because of this (and some other stuff, but I don't feel like talking about it now), it's hard for me to make real friends.
Luckily there is one person who is still sticking to me and I'm grateful for that. We don't live in the same city and don't meet up often, but she is really the only one I can call my 'best friend' now. But somehow I'm afraid of thinking like that, because every time I thought about someone this way, that person always left me in the end.

I feel like crying right now, but my roommate is near and I don't want to have to explain her what's going on.
I'm feeling horrible and I just don't know what I should do anymore.  Anyway, I'm gonne listen to this and I hope it'll make me feel better.
And I'm working on new translations, so I'll post something soon~


Nov. 8th, 2014 11:01 pm (UTC)
I'm so so sorry for not replying earlier. I didn't log in here in a looong time. I should change it since I actually miss LJ.
Friendships are difficult. I really mean it.
I actually feel like I'm going through the same thing again. It gives me headaches. It looks like there is really something wrong with me that everyone actually decide to ignore me in the end.